where do i stop...

december is totally here.

2008-12-06T17:51:00.001-08:00

i just watched king of california, this movie i was vaguely interested in when it was released.
being someone who loved a mentally ill person, watching movies about the subject stir certain things i don't necessarily want to be stirred.
it just makes me think about all the wonderful dreaming and all the horrific reality that happens. it makes me think about how much of it i didn't understand then. how much i still don't understand now.
if there is one thing i know, it's that paul loved me. he loved me until the last second of his life. that through it all, even when i couldn't imagine how you could treat someone you loved the way he treated me, i knew he loved me. and he knew i loved him.
he told me i was the only person that ever understood him, the only person he could ever be real with.

i don't know what to do with the statement now. feel good? fuck. that doesn't seem right.

what i am going to do is pour a glass of wine, crawl into bed, and push play. it's time for the cruise. i've been waiting. for the perfect time. it's here. timothy 'speed' is calling to me. he's begging me to enter his world again.

i'm not sure i ever left.

we are the...

2008-10-22T18:38:00.000-07:00

so, i saw this group of ancient friends of mine.
by group, i mean two for hours, plus two more for mere minutes.
and by ancient, i mean two were at my fifth birthday party. and remember it.

it's really amazing to me how you can know someone to their core, i mean really KNOW who they are, and they can know the same about you, that even after ten years of zero face time, you remember the way their eyes crinkle when they laugh. it feels safe. i gives me hope in my life. it helps me know that through everything, i have been nothing but true to myself. and to know that these people have done the same.
sure, angie joined the military AND THEN was deployed to afganistan. holy shit.
and johnny owns a record label plus is some vp of something for a tool and die company.
and jill plants trees in detroit.
and jeff rides a fixed gear, likes hot girls, and builds fancy green buildings.

but, shit. these people know me. it doesn't matter what's happened over the last ten years.
the good, the totally awful. those are just things.
that happened.
they are not us.

we are us.
we are all we have.

i hope other people realize how important it is to keep your heart open. to accept love whenever it comes, from wherever it comes from.

because without it, we would be nothing. none of us.

do you have someone to hold your hand?

2008-10-17T18:03:00.000-07:00

i went up to see doug last weekend.
8 hours of work followed by 4 hours of driving finished with a party that lasted until 4am.
i was the only non-elk present. it was lovely, seeing the man interact with people he's known his whole life. some he hadn't seen in years.
it made me wish i'd seen more pirates over the years, but spurred me to make some plans! tomorrow night i will see some people i haven't seen in a decade.

i need a haircut.

maggie makes me whole.

2008-10-06T09:51:00.000-07:00

so, this month has been a full one. i'm back in michigan. it's lovely.
here is a recount of the adventure that was trying to get back to my home:

the last day in los angeles was absolutely amazing.
it started out with a little bit of primping, git'n my hairs did by my dear dear bebe deer. and sadaf, her trustly right hand. then a special treat of pain and beauty from the lovely larissa from ukraine. she said, 'oh, it has been long time. all summer!' you know me, always doing shit backwards. gotta get that bikini line perfect before i move back to the freezing cold.
a little bit of bizness thrown in there, tying up loose ends.
i showed up at the shop a little early and had some wine and conversation before heading over to the best mexican food on the block with four of the best people in all of the city of angeles. guacamole made from a cart, margaritas as big as my head, potato tacos like woah, lots and lots of mistaking minnesota for michigan, and THE ONE MAN MARIACHI. i'm not kidding, this guy is fucking off the chain. he sang me beautiful songs begging me not to leave california, to not go back to minnesota (which was an amazing mistake.). he made adriana translate while he sang me a song about being a butterfly (a's mom's favorite song in the world).
the night was off to a great start.
then, we drove to the hollywood bowl. we got an amazing parking spot. we stopped to pee and put on pink lipstick. we ran up the stairs. we heard the phil finishing up. i wanted a smoke, but had none. we hurry through the gates just as the man says 'and now ladies and gentlemen, brian wilson' and i am crying just thinking about it. we rush to our seats, kick some middle-agers out of them, and dance for the next hour and a half to a man who has meant more to each of us than we can ever begin to explain. drinking really expensive wine out of the bottle, watching fireworks behind the bowl as the genius sings 'good vibrations' is actually being in heaven. there was not a better, more classically californian way to end my stay than this. maya and sejal bridged the gap between there and here, adriana reminded me that it had been worth it, and brian.....he made me happy to be alive.
and then the mother fucking gold room. my favorite bar in los angeles. $3 for a shot of tequila and a tecate. way too many of these were bought for me. a lovely group of friends came out to wish me good bye. ozzie made me cry in a way i didn't want to . i had to go. full of booze and emotion, the ssippi friend offered me a bed for the night. i took a wiz, and when i came out of the bathroom, all the lights were off and the rooms were full of candlelight. he had his cello out. he told me to get in to bed. he sat in the next room, his back to me, and played the most beautiful music i have ever heard. i resisted as long as i could, but the music lulled me to sleep. when he came to bed, i woke and said 'i fell asleep' and he said 'that's what was supposed to happen' and i smiled and slumber resumed. i can't believe how loved i am.

the next day started out slow, with lots of coffee and pastry to soak up the leftovers from the night before. off we went, me and miki in the ford, tattiya and beth following close behind. they soon passed us, but had to come back to pick our asses up when my car stopped working. towed to pepboys in san bernardino, the car sat for the next 4 days. it needed a new ENGINE. not something easy like a new tire or belt or anything. no, an entire new fucking engine. while we were waiting for the jerks to figure out what was wrong, we all got tattooed, a little reminder of where our hearts lie. we got to vegas 8 hours late, mom was so bored. i went to bed, passed out so hard a dance party happened and i had no idea. mom and beth worked the black jack tables. tattiya and beth went head to head the next day with the buffet. it was epic.

mom and i spent the next three day in s.b. (the asshole of the inland empire), with no car and no idea where we were.
we finally got on the road wednesday at 5am. after 7 hours of driving, we stop to rest, only to find a puddle of brown liquid under the car. worried, we drop the car at the next service station. a new radiator. not until tomorrow. in utah. the men at the shop were wonderful. they drove us to a hotel, showed us the only vegetarian restaurant in town, and picked us up the next morning when the car was finished. we showed up at this vegetarian joint, the wow eatery, five minutes after 3...we were told they close at 4. no! 3! but, not to worry. the lovely woman understood my peril of being a vegetarian on the road and took pity. free lavender lemonade! amazing sandwiches and salads! when we got home, mom opened up my to-go box to find a note wrapped in plastic wrap. it said 'i hope the rest of your journey is smooth and uneventful' and there was a $20 bill attached. things were looking up! what an amazing woman. she truly made everything else not matter.

the drive starting at 11am the next morning was speedy. we made it to denver for dinner. the gardners were a lovely bunch to see, plus leanne stopped by! so much love! mom drove until the middle of the night. we stopped for two hours, then i stared driving in blackness in the heartland. we drove and drove and drove and finally made it home at 11pm. 36 hours later. well, 34 if you count time zones. it was exhausting.

a brief bit of sleep for me, then off to traverse city for a much needed break. doug and i played pretend yuppies and went on a wine tasting tour. it was wonderful. the views from some of the wineries were, how they say, breathtaking. then on to the best bar in the world, the oasis, which happens to be next to his house. $7 for two beers and a shot of jim beam? where am i? sunday was spent hung over, playing with erin and her kids, being lazy and cooking dinner. monday i drove to see two eddies, and the mini is still mini, just not as.

since then, i have been working at 6am, hard and fun. had a brief trip to chicago to see nick/lacy/james/nicholas and also the best one, nick ward. it was far too short, but as i am learning, those visits are still worth it. saw eddie win a hockey game on saturday. surprise very short visit from carl and laura thursday, then a phone call friday from caleb telling me he was just north of indianapolis heading to my house to see me! surprises! i got to show him a hockey game, half of half of michigan, and franklin cider mill. he left with 15 new bicycles and very happy.

and now i'm here. preparing for the work week. about to go to the good will with jojo because i lack appropriate clothing for this weather. going to tc again this weekend. every three weeks? seems right.

los angeles, i miss you. but, it sure feels good to be home.

ps, i've listened to the knifes 'heartbeat' on repeat the entire time i wrote this post.

silver fox to the rescue.

2008-09-09T17:25:00.001-07:00

the last three days as an angeleno. started to have a small freak out this afternoon. shipped 5 boxes back to the mitten. they'll end up on a familiar front porch in a few days. maybe the same day i do.

i'm tired, resting. the smog has filled my sinuses one last time. two days left at sugar, then the last day, filled with grooming. both me and the car.

i get nervous thinking about seeing doug again. that kind of nervous that makes you so happy because your stomach hurts and you get shy and sweaty palms are there and then you see them and you try not to jump out of our shoes when they walks out of their house to your car to kiss you for the first time in way too long. i need a xanax just thinking about it.

i am going to see the inside of so many gas stations over the next week. tons of lipton unsweetened no-lemon iced teas. mom is going to smoke so many newport full flavors out of a soft pack. it feels like this adventure that ends in another adventure that has another adventure following it in just a few months.

oh, my.

countdown!

2008-08-31T12:01:00.000-07:00

i am currently homeless inside my home. meaning, i still have a roof over my head, i just have no place to sleep. i found this nice man to move in to my room, which he did a week ago. so, i have been sleeping on the couch/in various roommates beds, and will continue to do so for the next two weeks. hang on, 11 days. no mistakes.

i just packed all my things, save a miscellaneous few. six boxes, seven once i get back out to the home depot. thankfully three are media, making my expenses at the usps much less. i am happy with my decision to send my stuff via post. lighten the car load. melissa, doug and ozzie are going to pack and ship my bike for me. send it straight from echo park cycles to shiawassee rd.

crime dramas on the satellite made the day fly by. i don't leave for 11 days, and the bulk of the work is done. what a nice change! andy came into the living room midway through, lots of woahs flew from him mouth. but i completed my task!!! i packed up my life, trashed other parts. donated still more. it fits in seven medium boxes. that's pretty damned good.

i am so so so ready to get home.

did i mention i'm going to be in chicago the last weekend in september? that's right, all you windy city readers. me. in your city.

this is going to happen a lot......

david bowie said it best....

2008-08-22T09:04:00.000-07:00

changes.
i'm moving back to michigan in 23 days.

that is, in 23 days, my mom is flying to las vegas, we're gonna have one hell of a night with some of my girlfriends, and then the next day we start driving across the u s of a back to home.

we're gonna stay with paco and jody in denver. i assume we will be drinking wine with them, since what she does is booze for money. distro, yo.

maybe next day we make it to chicago? we'll try at least, but i wouldn't be surprised if there was a super 8 in iowa up in her.

i would love to see nick/ryann/lacy+babies in chicago on the way home, we'll see if i can make her.

then, when we pull in the drive, 2,271 miles later, my cat (FINALLY shaven), my dad (so happy he cries), my jojo (pissed she has to share a room again), hopefully my gigantic miniature (and his parents, too, i guess......), are there waiting and it's just right.

family is too important to stay away.

i'm totally zach braff right now.

2008-08-16T21:53:00.001-07:00

i am sitting here, alone, on a saturday night in the city of angels, with myriad people waiting out there for me to come to them. and yet, i don't want to be there.
i don't want to be here. i want to be somewhere far from here.
i want to be with my mom, who called me drunk earlier from a concert in akron, ohio, singing and dancing while dad smokes cigarettes off to the side.
i want to be with eddie and sandra, helping them pick out a reception site for their wedding next summer. my little brother's wedding. i want to help them make sure the vegetarian lasagna isn't shit, because you sure know it can be.
i want to be with erin, drinking a beer, watching her kids run around like crazy, just wishing we had that much energy still.
i want to be with doug.....i want to be with doug laughing, smiling, swimming, barfing from being so sweet.

none of these things are here. none of them are in this amazing city i've called home for almost two years.

does anyone have a couple grand they need to get rid of?
i'm ready to go.
now.......

smitten with the mitten

2008-08-05T14:07:00.000-07:00

i went home for two weeks.
this visit changed my life.

i met my nephew, who is so fucking cute i can't handle it. i realized i can not possibly live the way i want so far from my family. cooking food with my mom and josie, while dad is manning the grill, fills my heart with love so true i just can not be without it. eddie is such a good dad, and sandra is becoming a wonderful mom. that little eddie, well, he really reminds you what it is to be in love. i'm pretty sure i love his left big toe more than i love most things in my life. i'm an AUNT. and a godmother. those things are so important.

the first weekend i was back was so magical. erin and her girls came down from traverse city; eddie, sandra, and gigantic mini came from grand rapids; kellie, erik, and so cute natalie from royal oak; plus me and jojo, single and kid-less, from farmington. we all went to grampa's house in pinckney, just the grandkids, great-grandkids, and him. we swam, we ate at zukey, we drank oberon, had a bonfire, learned about grampa's parents, pitched tents in the yard, and had so much fun. this was just the first day. we woke up the next day, our parents came, along with cousin chris and grandma. we cooked and ate and drank and talked and it was lovely. everyone felt so full of love and happy.

the next day, erin, kellie, me, josie, uncle jim, and all the little girls went to the detroit zoo. i hadn't been since we went when we were little. it was so hot, but being there with the kids made you realize why these places exist. as 'active' as i can be, watching the smile on a two year olds face as she gets nose to nose with a seal is amazing. and the butterfly house! i wish the world was all butterfly houses. we would all take a little more time and care with everything then. saying goodbye to my cousins was something i did not want to do. we had just spent more time together in three days than we had in as many years. i need more!

the next day, the family headed to grand rapids to show off eddie's school, home, and work to me. he has such a nice little thing going for him right now, even if it's not at all where he thought he would be. we went to lake michigan and swam for hours. gigantic miniature HATED the water, you would have thought we were killing him. but boy, did he sleep well after a dip. we took him to the coast guard fest in grand haven, and all the lights of the fair rides and games made him so happy! fucking babies, dude. for real.

THEN, jesse gets in to town. he is my date for ryann and peter's wedding. my dad and mom take us to the mgm grand casino right after we pick him up off the plane. we drink oberon. i take him to hell, pinckney, ann arbor, show him all my old haunts. we go to the lager house with collin (whom i haven't seen in two years!!!????!?!), and witness a real detroit mc battle. actually, we sat on the back porch and tried to ignore it, but it was going on nonetheless.

friday began the journey that really changed my life. oscoda.
you see, ryann and peter are really our first friends to get married. (lacy and nick are technically the first, but theirs happened so fast it doesn't really count.) we are all in the wedding, looking like some sort of synchronized dance troop. being at gramma patti's house in oscoda is like heaven. ryann's family makes me feel so good. the rehearsal was easy, of course we fucked around the whole time. the dinner/drinks/swimming/beach sitting that followed was even better. ryann, peter kanar, and myself went swimming in lake huron at midnight and it was so dark out you felt a magic that only happens at that high a parallel. the mini-keg my dad bought us was taking so long to drink, and we were so happy about that.

the morning of the wedding, i was up at 7 to swim and sweat my hangover out. then we headed over to the reception site, and lindsey, collin, khalid and myself went in to production mode. we got everything set up so fast, and it looked perfect. the gaggle of metalhead groomsman smoking on the sidelines just needed a little kick in the butt to get going. they are good worker bees!

lunch at mama's kitchen provided so many laughs we could write a whole blog about that. getting dressed up was great. linds and i stood in the bathtub putting our make-up on and doing our hair. mimosas! the boys looked so amazing in their kilts, it made the first tear of the day stream down the face. ryann....what a beautiful bride. we rode back to gramma's house, walking up to the pre-ceremony crowd so full of love and joy.
and then i saw him. and he came up to me and said 'there's my girl' and kissed my cheek and i don't know what happened. he looked like shit, having been at a hippie music festival for the three days prior, but i didn't care. my heart jumped out of my cheap bridesmaid dress and into his pink-shirt-covered chest just like that. more later...

the ceremony was lovely. we all looked amazing, ryann and peter were so happy! the reception was beautiful, we all had such a great time. the next day we went on an 8 hour canoe trip that was totally amazing. and then we went home.

*there is a lot i am leaving out about the last part of the trip. don't fret, you will know all about my new love soon. i just need to figure out how to describe it to the ether....

the last two days in farmington were so relaxing. it was really lovely.

and now i'm back in los angeles.
my heart stayed behind.
i need to go back and get it......

best friend = soul mate

2008-07-09T07:56:00.000-07:00

le petite morte.

2008-07-07T10:38:00.000-07:00

my night last night ended with swimming in the private pool of a penthouse suite downtown overlooking all of los angeles with some good friends at 4am.

i don't really know how this happened, because when i left the house i was going to be back by ten.
and there were only three or so beers involved, so it totally wasn't one of those things.

i love this town.

i fade under the stares....

2008-07-01T08:15:00.000-07:00

recently, i have been overcome with this feeling of utter loss. i feel like there is something just out of my reach that i had, and won't ever be able to embrace again. it is so sad.

you know, they talk about grief and it's stages and how everything is normal and they're right about all that. what they don't know how to tell you is how you should feel when you are a bridesmaid in one of your best friends weddings. when you are buying a stupid dress and getting emotional about her flower arrangements two years after she did all of this for you. when all you want to do is come home to the man of your dreams, and feel his arms around you one more time and you can't. i would give anything for one more lazy day in nashville, he and i on the couch, my head buried in his stinky armpit, me battling the cat for his affection.

it's been two and a half years. and i miss him more now than ever.

i know this is ok to feel. even right to feel. but fuck, is it hard.

i'm going home to michigan in three weeks. i'll be there for two. i get to meet little eddie, hug my baby brother who's now a dad, see so many people i love.
and, i'll get to be 14 houses down from paulie's ashes. i'll get to walk the dog past his car and try so hard not to think about christmas day, three days before he died, the best day we ever had. about us waking up early, opening our stockings next to our tiny fake tree, watching 'it's a wonderful life' on the television and being so in love. i'll try not to think about skipping school ten years ago to go to his house and jump on the trampoline. mostly, i'll try not to think about the fact that i will never feel him kiss my forehead again.

that makes me so sad i weep.

fattest miniature eddie ever.

2008-06-13T09:03:00.000-07:00

my little brother had a baby yesterday!

10lbs 3oz! 21in!

so huge!!!!!!

he has my brothers nose and feet. also, his name is eddie. but i think i'm just going to call him gigantic miniature. for short.

mazel tov, eddie and sandra!

(if you want to send me aunt patti presents, just let me know. i'll give you the specs.)

superfreaky memories

2008-06-13T08:37:00.000-07:00

ok, the music part:

fleet foxes are amazing and everyone should own their new album and see them live whenever possible. i recommended them to a customer of mine, he bought the album and is in love. also, they are super fucking rad dudes.

vince mira is blow your sox off. he's 16, hispanic, from seattle, and sounds identical to johnny cash. everyone thought they were playing a recording at first, thats how amazing he is.

MIA is the best, totally just the best. if you are not in love with this woman and what she is doing for music and politics, i hate you.

modest mouse can suck a dick. i missed the breeders for you dumbasses. i haven't listened to a single song of theirs since we got home.

REM is amazing. i am totally blown away by their stage show. it was pouring rain and they fucking brought it 175%. i forgot how much i love them until the second they stepped on the stage.

battles is the jams. for real. check them out whenever you can.

the cure? fuck yeah the cure! i still can not believe we saw them play. truly music lovers themselves, we all felt so happy to be there, watching them play.

the kooks should burn in hell. not only do they sound like a shitty version of the kinks, when that douchebag singer says their name, it SOUNDS like the kinks. knockoffs. apparently all of the uk hates them, and you should too. also, they made malkmus 45 minutes late. which is fucking disrespectful. don't they understand who he is?

malkmus is a god. the jicks are lovely. listen to everything.

fucking destroyer! yes, yes, yes. love them, please.

new pornographers, so wonderful. dan bejar finished the destroyer set, strolled over to the main stage, sang one song, left, was begged back, sang one more song, then left for realz. they are true music lovers as well.

i totally don't like built to spill. i thought some canadians and tequila might help, but it didn't. i just don't smoke pot, you know?

the flaming lips are some sort of creation sent from heaven to make us realize we should all follow our dreams. this band is so full of love and life you can't help but cry. i feel like no matter what else happened, ever, for the rest of my life, things will be ok because the flaming lips are making music. please, treat yourself whenever you can. they are in the same category as bjork and prince. NO ticket price is too high. you should probably see them with your best friend. that made it even more unreal. i feel like we grew up on their music together, and here we were, holding hands, singing along, cry about everything, so in love and happy. guys, you make life worth living. thank you so much. (i am listening to them right now, and feel like i am with thousands of people, singing, staring, so drunk on happiness.)

sasquatch, i love you.

nobody trusts the muscles

2008-06-04T21:27:00.000-07:00

you know when things are so wonderful and perfect and good, you feel like they must have been a dream?

i guess that's why i haven't written anything yet about my trip the the pacific northwest. it was quick, fun, and so full of love.

i arrived to the sea-tac at some god-awful hour, only to be approached by a woman who comes into my restaurant while eating a bagel, waiting for nick to get in. i played with her kids, talked a lot about our mutual love for los angeles.
the kids left, nick showed up, and the love continued.
we decided to upgrade to a prius, which is the most amazing car i have ever been in. you can't even hear it run! and there is no key! granted, i'm kind of freaked out by digital technology, but it was awesome.

i rang my friend jules, a seattle native, to get the skinny on where to spend our free time before we made the trek to stumptown. she was a wealth of knowledge, and sent us to the best coffee and sandwich we could have ever taken in. nick and i both decided if we lived there, this would be OUR cafe. i had the betty boop, his was something gender specific as well. full of fuel, we started down the 5.

nick had never been to this neck of the woods before. if you never have either, get in your car now. this part of our world, this part of the year, is unbelievable. amazed at all the trees, we stared and stared, talked and talked. i learned about his Girlfriend, he learned about my non-existent love-life. just when the landscape turns truly unreal, i get my friend ben on the line. he lives in olympia. in the heart of the rainforest. we stop and he shows us his house. we see the best attic conversion ever, meet a kid from toledo, talk about hitching, and stare at the most beautiful tree in the whole god damned forest. it was built to climb. nick takes about 650 picture of it, all of them deserved.

then, we hop back in the hybrid and continue on the last 100 miles to pdx. we stop at the most lovely rest area, right by mt. st. helens, (which we can't see because of the fucking fog) and i talk to the nicest old couple from the next town over running the coffee stand. the closer we get to portland, the closer i get to bliss. i call rikki when we are 20 miles out. i remember exactly how to get to her house, which i am super proud of. hugging her feels like home, and i am so happy to be there. a quick stop at the sandy hut (or handy slut, if you please) before heading out on the town. i see some of the people i want, but feel so happy to be with nick, rikki, and jason.
to bed before two, with just a little making out before hand.

next morning, we rise early, and head to paradox for the best vegan breakfast in the world. we hug the fuck out of rikki before heading to joel's house to pick up the rest of my shit. i forgot how much there was. we do a great job of getting things together at record speed, then jet to the post, the grocer, the army/navy, and then on to SASQUATCH! both nick and i can't believe we haven't started our real adventure yet, and really can't wait to see what is next.

on the way out of town, in the thick of the rainforest, it is living up to it's name with the downpour. nick doses off, and wakes up in the high desert! we refill the gas in this town that makes me think we took a wrong turn and are in tennessee. this man that sponsors nick's festival has a winery that is totally on the way, so we stop by for a glass, of course. i meet him, it is lovely, of course. we pick up a few bottles and finish the road leg of the trip. just over an hour left!

both of us are so pumped as we pull into the campground. we park, set up tent, and start drinking with these righteous canadians next door. we then meet the most amazing 17 year old in the universe, issaic, from idaho. he nicknames me 'patti issaic', and only calls me that. we run into him early the next day, and are amazed he is standing, and even more amazed he can remember our names.....

some hippie shit?

2008-05-07T23:17:00.000-07:00

this time of year is very hard for me. the past few weeks my anxiety level has been through the roof. there are a few very special days coming up, and for some reason the build up is almost more than i can bear.
i am so excited to be spending one of them with my best friend nick. nick and i went to high school together. we have been through everything together. nick taught me what it means to love someone's soul so deeply you simply don't have a choice. i owe a lot to him.

i value my friendships more than anything else in this universe. i also happen to be one of the lucky ones who is friends with her family. i am learning constantly from the people i choose, and those who choose me. it is just amazing to me how deeply people can be connected if they are just aware. like, trying to understand what it means for all of your dear friends to be in the same funk at the same time. and not because of each other. no, but because we are all connected somewhere else, somewhere we don't need to see to feel. you know?

i guess what i am feeling is this totally awesome rebirth starting to grow.

i can't wait to see where it will take me, and who will be there right along my side.

la loves you.

2008-04-08T13:14:00.000-07:00

my good friend jesse visited these last four days from dc. since i love los angeles so much, i really try to do everything i can to show other people how awesome it is when they come and visit. this results in constant fun and little sitting down.
here is a list of what we did:
1.ate at s&w country diner. my favorite breakfast spot. a real treat
2.drove to the very top of mount wilson. el. 5710ft. you can see catalina island and the whole ocean, plus downtown, all of l.a., and everything else. it's amazing.
3. jesse raced in a midnight ridazz event and placed fourth! he had to climb lots of stairs in echo park and silver lake, having no idea where he was. the only people that beat him are all on a racing team together.
4. ate at uck. jesse accidently ate foie gras ice cream from scoops without knowing it was really foie gras. that was pretty great.
5. road our bikes to fucking alhambra, which is 15 miles east of the city. went to this amazing mustache party in a warehouse my friend donovan works out of. it was out of control. i ate a coleslaw sandwhich.
6. best sunday ever recreate. it was almost as good as the first. no baby this time.
7. sang a shit load of sounds at smog cutter. this is my favorite thing to do.
8. ate at follow your heart. where they make vegenaise. it was great.
9. went to malibu and layed on the beach for hours.
10. went on a super rad bike ride with my friends to this scary!!!!!! abandoned mental institution. we went inside. it was scary.
11. ate at elf, spilled my water on lucy liu. she was really nice!

ok, maybe that's it? i am lying in bed soooo worn out now.

come visit!!!! it will be fun!
xoxoxo

fantasyland.

2008-04-02T18:17:00.000-07:00

the last three weeks of my life have been pretty amazing.
club foot started it all off.
then, best sunday ever 2008, disneyland, never having to talk to someone again, making even stronger relationships with my amazing friends in los angeles.
saw the premiere of bjork's new video in 3d at the hammer museum. i was, hammered, and pj and i were obnoxious. it was fun.
i got an amazing new tattoo. bees up here on the left shoulder swirlin' on down to the boobies and the flowers on the right. it'll blow your mind.
i went on a date with one of the ex-guitarists from a famous 80's goth band, you know the one. it was dreadful. i really don't even want to call it a date. he had fancy shoes on, which i guess was the only qualifier. he texted on his fancy phone the whole time, and when i asked him what he was doing he looked at me like i was crazy.

andy and miki had an opening of their work at this clothing shop.
things i did that might tell you i was too drunk at this event:
1.dropped a glass of wine all over the floor at this swanky boutique
2. invited tons of random people over to our house for easter dinner. (none of them showed)
3. dropped, and broke, a beer bottle at the bar we went to later.
4. showed miki my wax job in the bathroom of the bar. (she showed me hers, too.)
5. ate taco bell
6. dropped 1/4 of my burrito on the ground, didn't know until i got inside the house when i couldn't find it. went back outside, found the burrito on the sidewalk, picked it up, looked at it, walked back inside, and ate it.
7. puked up the burrito.
all of this happened before midnight. i got 8 hours of sleep, but was still drunk when i had to go to work. it was amazing.

about 300 more amazing things also happened. i just can't remember them all. but the last, most special thing happened last night.
i went on the most lovely date of my life. we met on friday, at my dear friend's party at her salon. he is friends with a few of my super close, super old michigan friends. i gave him my info. he called on monday. we went out yesterday. he picked me up, we ate ethiopian. the entire meal was great conversation. we got a little drunk on honey wine. my face hurt from smiling. he picked up the check, we came back to my house. i showed him pictures of my friends, he showed me pictures of his. i laughed and smiled and my heart felt full and nice and kind and it was wonderful. i felt safe with him, warm. he looked at me in that way, you know which. it was the date that people write about.

i can't wait for the second.

lesson learned, march 12, 2008.

2008-03-13T10:33:00.000-07:00

never put yourself in compromised situations with professional skateboarders. there will ALWAYS be documentation. always.

club foot.

2008-03-09T09:59:00.000-07:00

so, yesterday, miki and i (le societe du societe) threw our first dance party in los angeles. it was amazing.
we really had no idea what to expect. it was at this bar called charlie o's, which is the house bar at the alexandria hotel downtown. we got there at 9, set up the dj's and the projectionist, and sipped (slammed) our drinks nervously waiting to see who would arrive.
slowly but surely, the party showed up. by midnight you couldn't even move on the dance floor. miki, in her red onzie, and me in my pink mumu, we schmoozing the hell out of the crowd.
this was our test, to see if we could make this a monthly thing. and fuck yes we can.

we were asked to come back next month, we might partner with the derby dolls. we might stick to the solo. we'll see.

but no matter what, you can bet your britches club foot is here to stay.

thank you los angeles, and:

DANCE RIGHT!

monday funday.

2008-03-04T07:20:00.000-08:00

yesterday was a dream day off.
i had my first group meeting at the ywca at 10, but of course i work up at 7 because my shit be all fucked up. so, i went to the lovely coffee shop and had some coffee, did some research, and ate a croissant.

the meeting was nice, really helped me to feel like i am on the right path. also helped me to realize the severity of the situations i had been in. very uplifting.
next, i decided to try and find the place where the next meeting i was going to attend later that night would be held. all this bizzzness takes place in glendale, and i don't really know the nitty gritty of that place. needless to say, i ended up going the wrong way and stumbling upon the angeles crest pass.

the crazy amazing thing about l.a. is it's surrounded by mountains. sure, this might seem obvious, but i really thing people forget. or maybe, if you haven't been here, you don't even know. these aren't little wimpy hills like in nashville, either. i'm talking snow-capped, ski resort, motherfuckingmountains. on a clear day driving east on the 10 you can see said snow-caps right behind downtown. it's really quite wonderful.

so, i start driving towards the signs that say 'ski lifts open', 'chains required past said point', 'road closed to azuza', etc. i make my first little stop only to find a river with no water, much like our beloved los angeles river. unsatisfied, i continued my trek up. i turned a corner and there was snow! i had on flipflops! i pulled over to take it all in, and i noticed this guy get out of the car next to me. he then proceeds to dump two almost empty beers onto the parking lot, look at me, and get back in his car. what? first of all, it's noon. second of all, this road you take up the mountain, the CA2, it's really fucking winding. third, no cell phone reception. so, i get in my car and head back down, leaving drunky behind. five minutes later, i see a car come rushing up on me. it's them, of course. THEN i get stuck behind a cyclist that i can't pass because the conditions are not ok. so, i have super-road-biker in front of me, and jackass-drunk-dude behind. finally the road mellows out, i pass the warrior, and the dudeface passes me. the rest of the ride down is great.

i run a few errands; pick up some new toys at babeland, get two new pair of prescription glasses for $75 (one pair are sunglasses! finally!), then head home.
andy is there, touching up dog's faces. i laugh a lot, dance a little, then become restless again. my room needs cleaning soooo bad, but for some reason i just can't bring myself to do things like that when i don't have to go to work. days off for me are just that, wonderful days to take care of what you want, not what you maybe should be doing.
stomach is screaming at me, so masa it is! new friend comes and meets me, i apologize for being drunk stupid girl last time, he laughs at me a little and says it's ok. i feel much better. then we head back to his house, grab coffee from his fav spot, then put our yacht building hats on. mostly i just ask questions and fuck up his rhythm. we watch bmx videos, talk, but i notice he seems a little tense. i ask him if he has somewhere to be. finally he tells me he is supposed to be on a date with another girl he kinda likes right now, but he feels bad because we are hanging out and he likes me. he gets all embarrassed, and it's really cute, and we tickle each other and hug for a while and i tell him it's ok. he says he's gonna come by the restaurant tomorrow morning, i make some joke about him doing some other girl then getting breakfast with me, he gets more embarrassed, is even cuter, then he walks me to the car and i leave.

it was great, a nice little early evening hang. cake (the dog) was at our house when i get back! he is sooo much fun. then i got in my bed, exchanged some funny texts with the man, read my book, and was asleep before midnight.

all in all, quite a lovely day indeed.
now, back to work.

i can't wait for all this to happen...

2008-03-02T17:19:00.000-08:00

this horoscope is sooooo me it's insane. my birthday is feb. 6, and paul died two years ago. amazing

Aquarius (January 20- February 18)
Your March Horoscope by Susan Miller

Usually after a party is over - when it gets too late, when the wine runs, out or the food is reduced to the last few crumbs on the serving plates - guests begin to leave. This month, however, after Venus, Mercury, and Neptune joined the Sun and new moon in Aquarius last month to celebrate your birthday, Venus, Mercury, and Neptune continued to hang out together in Aquarius. This is good news, for as you enter March, you will still have plenty of support for your aims and enough clout to make them happen!

Also this month, your ruling planet, Uranus, will make four major, decisive contacts with other planets and bring on sudden, surprising opportunities to allow you to make more money (March 7-19), form a special alliance or new relationship (March 8), enjoy romance (March 27), and again find a way to earn more money (March 28). It's a wow of a month, and no matter how you think will go, it will take a different - better - course.

Before we get into the aspects of March, we need to discuss how your life looks now, after the major solar eclipse occurred on February 6. That was a positive, helpful eclipse, even if you don't think it was - you will see in time that it worked in your favor.

If you have not yet seen major shifts take place in your life yet - at home, in your career, in a relationship, or even in the way you view your future - you will soon, particularly if you were born on or near February 6. Sometimes eclipses deliver their news one month to the day later, plus or minus one week. Watch the days that surround March 6 and 7.

Your life seems poised to take you in completely new directions. You have traveled over the same ground so often that you know every inch of the sidewalk, so it's time to climb new mountains and experience new vistas.

Your appearance and estimation of yourself may also undergo a transformation soon, if it has not already. The job of an eclipse is to energize to find new opportunities and to see your fine qualities in a new light. Hopefully, you will appreciate all that you are much more in the future.

Come August 1, another key eclipse will occur in your opposite sign of Leo, ruling your partnerships and close relationships. Aquarius born near January 29 will feel that one. Another eclipse in Aquarius will come up on August 16, highlighting those born near February 12.

You have spent two years dealing with the rigors of Saturn opposed to your Sun, so in effect, you have done all the necessary spadework to now launch your new life. That launch is due any minute.

The eclipses are known to enact a series of tests under the surface of things. If an eclipse deems an endeavor or relationship weak or outmoded, or one that offers no real future, the eclipse will "eclipse out" that situation quickly. Eclipses always seem to bring sudden news because outside factors come onto play, and those factors would be ones you have no control over. That's why sometimes we feel a little helpless during eclipse time - we had no hand in what happens - truly, you have not lost all that much.

Only after you have swept out the cobwebs and cleared the decks of weak situations and relationship can you begin to live the life you were meant to live. If something or someone leaves, let it happen. Don't look back, as tempting as that might be to do. You need to create empty space before the universe can fill it with something better. You don't want to be in weak situations or unproductive relationships - the eclipses want us all to use our time on Earth well.

So move forward with optimism. The February 6 eclipse was a really good one for you, as it brought positive aspects to Mars (action), Neptune (inspiration), and Pluto (regeneration). If you didn't see the truth of this yet, you will, you will. One other reference to last month includes the eclipse of February 20, which may have taken away a source of income or caused you a major expense. That was to be the last eclipse in a financial house for you - no more are due until 2015 and 2016, and they appear to be milder than the pairs of eclipses you experienced every six months in March and September 2006; March, August, and September 2007; and last month, on February 20, 2008.

The new moon, March 7, will be a critical date to watch to see your fortunes rise. That new moon will light your second house of earned income and possessions, so you may hear that you were given a raise or land a new, good paying job. Alternatively, you may purchase something expensive that you've wanted for a long time, such as a house or a car. Whatever comes up will happen suddenly. From March 7 to 19, be sure to ask for a raise, even if you feel your company does not give out raises at this time of the year - you could be the exception to the rule. If anyone owes you money, check your mailbox that day and later in the week, for you may finally get what's due you. March 7 and 8 will bring the Sun, moon, and Uranus together in perfect alignment. Since the Sun rules your partnerships, and Uranus, your guardian planet, you are likely to get surprises in regard to your closest ties, for sure. A business associate or your steady sweetheart or spouse may bring you news out of the blue that makes you sit up and take notice.

Also, the moon rules your workaday experience - the methods you use to do your job, the type and quality of the tools you use, and the co-workers you work with - so you may also see changes in one of these areas, too. I say this because the moon will orbit over Uranus, a volatile aspect, so co-workers, the equipment, or the actual projects are likely to bring difficulties that will require your attention. In addition to the new moon's energies, you will also have Mars entering the same solar sixth house sector to stay until May 9. This suggests that from now through May 9, your workload will increase quite a bit. If you are self-employed, this can be good, as it would mean new business is coming in. If you work for others, it would mean your presence is needed, and hopefully appreciated. However, it does mean you'll be working hard over the coming nine weeks or so (March 4 to May 9).

As a result of this Mars opposition to Pluto on March 7 - not related to the new moon - you may experience tension with a co-worker or from a higher up who seems bent on pressuring you in a demanding, outrageous way. The intensity of this person's force is likely to shock you. No one around you will be exactly cooperative, and just about everyone in your department will feel a bit stressed out, reason enough to make the department cranky. It may help to know that things will return to normal in a day or two after March 7.

In matters of health and fitness, Mars in your sixth house could put you in the mood to get fit and strong. There would be no better month to begin your fitness program than March. Your energy will be high, and you may want to begin lifting weights, as Mars rules iron along with courage, drive, and your overall get up and go! You will have Mars at your side to help you reshape your body from March 4 to May 9, so get busy! Working out could also be a terrific antidote to the tensions you may feel at the office. The full moon on March 21 will bring to fullness matters concerning a trip, a project going on abroad, or one involving publishing or broadcasting. You will likely see a matter finish, but if so, you seem to experience a little more stress at this time. I am sorry to have to suggest this, as it appears you will already be working very hard all month.

The reason I say this is that full moon will be in hard angle to the Sun, Mars, and Pluto, all in cardinal signs, considered highly energetic and powerful. It will be a time when things have to be done and shipped, with no talking or excuses, but getting everyone's cooperation won't be all that easy. If you are involved with a legal matter or court case, you may be busy trying to seal up negotiations and move on, but getting to a final agreement may prove difficult. With planets squaring off, everyone will have a position and no one will want to give an inch - not even you! This will not be an easy full moon for anyone of any sign. Actually, however, you will be more fortunate than most, because a full moon in Libra blends well with your Aquarius sign. If you were born on January 22, you will benefit most from this full moon, even if friends of any sign are feeling a bit pushed to the wall.

Romantically, you will do well at the start and end of March. At the onset, Venus will continue to be in Aquarius, a perfect placement for the planet of love to be. Venus will be able to make your charms very obvious, and you may be completely unaware of the sexy vibes you are giving off. Among those early days of March, I particularly like Thursday, March 6, when Venus will align with glamorous Neptune, bringing on a fantastic evening for magic and candlelight.

You may want to also use the period of March 1-12 to refresh your appearance, a great idea. Browse the shops and think about adding a few new things to your wardrobe. Be ready with your new look by month's end, when romance should again begin to show lots of razzle-dazzle.

There will be two days to watch: On Thursday, March 27, Mercury, the planet ruling your solar fifth house of true love, will wink at both Jupiter AND Uranus, your ruler, bringing spontaneous fun and lively chances to enjoy love. Married, attached, or single, every Aquarius should benefit! The next day, Friday, March 28 will be a landmark day too, for different reasons. It is the day of the legendary alignment of Jupiter (gifts, luck) and Uranus (surprises). This happens only rarely, and this year these two wonder-planets will meet like this three times, and each of these days deserve to be circled in gold on your calendar: March 28, May 21, and November 13. Best romantic evenings: March 4-6, 8-9, 13-14, 21-22, and 27-28.

I should add that after November 13, Jupiter and Uranus are not due to meet in this configuration until July 2012. Remember, Uranus is your ruler, so while March 28 will be great day for everyone, it will be doubly terrific for you.

There is likelihood you will make a good profit (or hear positive money news) on that day, Friday, March 28, so keep your antenna up! If you need to make a presentation or schedule an interview, do so on March 27 or March 28, for either would be outstanding.

Summary You've had a hard time of it over past months, but there are many signs that life is getting better and perhaps sooner than you ever thought possible.

You've clearly been short of funds, and last month's eclipse on February 20 didn't help your bank balance one bit. No reason to be concerned - the new moon March 7 should bring an opportunity to put you back in the black again. It will come in the form of a salary raise, and everything about this news will take you by surprise. You will be at precisely the right place and the right time.

Your financial luck will stem from someone behind the scenes who will go out of his or her way to recommend you for a new job or freelance assignment. Finding out the identity of that person that may prove to be not so easy. Be grateful - sooner or later you WILL find out who has been so kind to you. In life there is yin and there is yang, and it appears that at work a co-worker is not being straight with you, and may even be trying to steal some of the credit for your work. You are a generous soul, not given to even thinking of others in these terms. You need to be circumspect this month and if you know the identity of the troublesome co-worker, keep an eye on him or her. You appear to have heavy-duty support behind the scenes, so if and when you need to take action (should it ever come to that) you will come out ahead.

A long distance trip, legal matter, or international, academic, or media deal seems to be coming to critical mass at the full moon March 21. There will be obstacles however, due to planets squaring off at the time. You may feel that others, perhaps team members, are working at cross-purposes, and possibly not following the direction you feel is wisest.

You may not be able to fix things immediately, as much as you'd want to do so, but at least you'll see what needs to be done. Fortunately, this full moon is well angled to your Sun, doubly so if you were born within five days of January 22. You can prevail if you put your mind it to it.

i had a plan.

2008-02-29T20:56:00.000-08:00

to write this great blog tonight.
i came to my favorite coffee shop, ordered my favorite tea, and grabbed a great table.
i opened my computer to write all about getting drunk, offering to buy quentin tarantino a drink, mistaking donna from 'that 70's show' for jessica biel and being a total ass about it.
about living in hollywood, kind of, and how fucked up and weird that can be some times.
i wanted to tell everyone about getting totally smashed and driving (i know, i know) over to my new friend's house, having a wonderful time, and spending the next three days wondering if he thought i made a fool of myself, because when this girl drinks, well, she drinks. and frankly, i did make a little fool of myself, because he's cute and makes me smile.

but no. instead, i have to listen to this fucking open mic poetry reading. yes, i am a writer. yes, i totally support other writers. i even support other writers reading their work in front of people. (2nd story l.a. nick, ehm...) but christ, is this shit dry!
this man just read his version of the 'i have a dream' speech.

ok, i just realized this isn't just a poetry reading. this is a gathering of pseudo-artistic somethings i just can't quite pin down. the whole problem with this is i can't form a solid thought. there is no wit coming from me because of their amplified self-pity.

and next door, i hear feet stomping, clapping, singing, laughing. they are having a little sing-a-long of pirate songs. a whole room full of silverlake art fags getting arty and faggy and it's hard for me to make the transition between these two worlds.
it's hard for me to know which side of this wall i belong on.
my life as a writer began with poetry, with performance. yet now i feel so much more like the other side. i guess it just seems to me these poets over here aren't as honest as those poets over there. of course, that could just be my 26 year old white girl perception. it's not that one is better than the other. there's just one i relate to more. this is so confusing. is it about race? is that it?
maybe it's about experience, history.
whatever it's about there is one thing i know. this place, this coffee shop, surrounded by these people, it's where i feel myself. sure, maybe a less witty, more stuck version of myself. but i'm comfortable. i'm safe.
over there, on the other side, that's the hard place to be. that's the place full of judgement. or at least my perception of it.

good thing i didn't get any coffee. this post would never end.

'you can always trust your friends' -fortune cookie on andy's desk next to me.

2008-02-25T20:37:00.000-08:00

something happened, something big. i'm going to keep it vague to protect, because i truly don't believe in hurting the ones you love, no matter how much they hurt you.
i'm just going to keep it to this:
my friends are amazing. they tell me things they feel about me from deep in their hearts, things that are so amazing and beautiful. things i need to hear, things we all need to hear. not because they have to, or because i ask, but because it is really how they feel. they don't ever tell me i'm not worth it. or that i'm needy. or that i'm not a mature adult. no, they tell me i am such a dream. that yes, i have some things to work on, but don't worry. we all do. they don't shelter me, that's not it. they just appreciate me for the gem i am. and they aren't afraid to let me know.

i know i deserve that from all parts of my life, but sometimes it's hard to see past what's in front of you. it's hard when you are stuck in a cycle, when you take all the steps that are asked to make it better, but you just keep getting treated the same. i've made it a point to leave negative people out of my life. rid myself of them.
i don't know why it's so much harder when your heart is stuck. when someone else has it in their hands, and they are watching it beat, watching it bleed, doing nothing to help it along.
for a long time, i thought it was me. in fact, a lot of me still does. but i know, deep down, that it's not. i know it's someone else, this person who is so scared to be happy. so scared to surrender to happiness and love that he just pulls down everyone else.

he'll probably read this, he read the last one. he said it saved us. i guess the lifeboat had a leak. he'll probably get mad, and that's just something i have to accept. because i haven't done anything except be me. wounded, broken, healing me. i've let anger and hatred too close for too long.

i went to therapy today, at the ywca in glendale. they have a wonderful domestic violence program. i made the appointment over a week ago. i spoke about paulie, about what he did to me and how i wanted to heal so bad. i told her how i am so scared, so fragile, because i don't know if i really know what a safe love is. i told her all the effort i've put in over the last two years, but how i haven't done anything to deal with the abuse. we went over charts, read bullet-pointed papers. i set up two weekly group meetings to attend. tomorrow i'm going to a drop-in suicide survivors group. it's weekly as well. i have books, i have friends, and now i have the thing i think i most need.

i have the comfort of knowing that someday, somehow, i will find someone who is my friend. someone who will tell me the things my friends tell me now. someone who will accept me for the evolving person i am. someone who believes in my dreams and my goals. someone who will find they are holding my heart in their hands, and they will look at it, then look at me and smile. tell me, thank you patti. thank you for this gift. i will treasure it. and i will say the same to them.

i love you, reed.

2008-02-13T12:14:00.000-08:00

so, finally, a blog about this.

i am sitting in a creperie in san clemente, about 90 miles south of los angeles. across from the pier. my parents lived here in the seventies, i heard all about this town growing up. the first time i came here was almost three years ago. leon was playing one town up, and i had come to california with paul for a little 5 day vacation. i rented a car, and explored this little beach side gem while he was doing sound check. later, i picked paulie up and we came down to this pier. we took our shoes off, put our feet in the ocean (it was freezing!), ran through the sand. it was wonderful.
i am here now because i need to change something. i need to find a way to heal, to really heal. because i am still so broken. it's so frustrating to feel like i have worked so hard, yet i am wrecking wonderful parts of my life because i am still so confused. i have to unlearn so many things i learned from being with him, from what happened. i have to learn how to be ME, truly me, and not some wounded, sad version of me that is too sensitive, too questioning, too many things that are really not me. i have to figure out how to do this without losing the amazing relationship i am in now. i have to quiet the ghost.

two years ago, paul, my fiance, killed himself. this came after six months or so of intense, awful pain between us. he was sick, bipolar. he wouldn't go get help. he would talk and talk and talk about going to the doctor, but there was always some excuse. the abuse was so awful. every time his sickness took him over, he took it out on me. things really started to get better, he went to japan. the last three weeks were amazing. the absolute best time we had ever had. we had been best friends since we were 16, together for three years.
then i came home from work one day, and found him hanging in the bathroom. that very instant my entire life was ripped away from me. everything changed. i quit my job, i moved out of our house, i started drinking every day. half of my soul was gone. this man who i thought i would spend the rest of my life with took himself away from me. i couldn't talk to his family any more. i still can't. they had been mine for 8 years, and now i couldn't even handle hearing their voices. i finished school, moved away, and really tried to get better. portland was not the place for that. i lost another friend, mostly because of paul. i tried group therapy. it was ok. then i moved to los angeles. i've been here just over a year. it is amazing. i keep trying new kinds of therapy, all of them don't work. i am making amazing friends, learning all sorts of things about myself, but i am so held back by him. i am in love with my boyfriend, completely, yet this fucking ghost is driving him away. i am at a loss. a complete loss as to what to do. paul is still controlling me from the grave, in these little ways, and i hate him for it. thankfully i have amazing people in my life who are helping me.

like cara said this morning, we have this wound, this big, huge open wound. it starts to scab, starts to heal, then something happens and that damned scab is ripped off, and here we are, bleeding all over again. sure, it takes longer and the scab is tougher, but it's still there.
i wish, hope, pray the scab would just stay. that the wound would just heal.
because i'm tired. i'm tired of not being myself.

i am great, and i miss that so much.

twenty.six.

2008-02-07T20:05:00.000-08:00

last week was my birthday. the second in los angeles. i have long been of the feeling that people's birthday's, MY birthday included, should be celebrated on multiple days, not just the exact day of their birth. because i truly believe everyone is better off if we celebrate each other constantly, and unfortunately, most people need an excuse to show others how important they are to them.
because of this, my birthday started this year the night before, at the tittie bar. at 2:30am, i rode my bicycle four miles home alone, drunk.

it was awesome.

festivities on the 6th included being woken up at 7am by one of my dearest friends calling me to let me know his son had just been born, and boy did he look mad! lots of loafing, rollerskating, dinner at the most confusing restaurant in the universe, and karaoke until i couldn't sing any more.
i was surrounded by people who love me very much; reed, miki, andy, ashira, max, etc. this made me very happy, but it also made me very sad. it made me miss all my friends that weren't there. cara, nick, lindsey, lauren, megan, jean, jesse, dru, sam, jack, paul....

i was thrown back into memories i have tucked away. memories of amazing birthdays past. last year was my first trip to mexico with a lovely friend. the year before that was a daze, just six weeks after the worst day of my life. i spent my actually birth DAY in a car driving from d.c. to ashville, nc., to nashville, tn. at least i got waffle house.

but the year before that, the 23rd birthday. that's the one that set the bar. i had just moved to nashville, we had just moved into this amazing house, a house that would change my life more than once. 32 of my friends from all over the united states made the trek. some drove all night, some flew, others seemed to just appear. for three days, nashville was full of love and joy i didn't know i could ever feel. we drank, we danced, we honkey tonked. we still had our house in murfreesboro for a few days. paul's band, detroit, played a show. (i think their best ever) chugga chugga sang for me. everyone laughed, the cops came, we trashed the house, it was epic. my new york friends bought cowboy hats at opryland they still wear today. we found dolly partons house. it was a start to this amazing life i thought i was entering in to. an amazing start.

despite the fact that the rest of my life has completely changed since then, those friends are still here, give or take. even those that have gone still have a place in my heart that will never get filled by another. people live farther apart now, have husbands, children, careers. i know they still think about that amazing weekend we all shared in the dirty south. they make a point to bring it up on my birthday. "remember when" is met with such ready ears. even my friend with two children who lives in germany took time to write me the most amazing email about how she felt that weekend, how we all felt, three years later. she remembered what i was wearing, down the the color of my shoes. she remembered how radiant and happy i was, to have so many people i loved in my home. she hoped i still felt that way, that full, even now, even after everything.

and i know i can write her back, stating with confidence, that yes. yes, i feel full of life. i feel loved, happy, full, and open. i don't think i realized it until she asked.
that not despite of, but because of, everything over the last few years, i am so in love with my life. and my friends. and their friends. and people that aren't my friends anymore, people that are my friends again, people i don't even know. i love you. i love myself. i am happy. i am 26.

happy birthday.

econo.

2008-01-24T18:33:00.000-08:00

ok, so the entire set ran about 90 minutes. it ended with pettibon painting this amazing portrait of an army general taken from a page of a worn book, and writing 'thank you for staying' at the top. one of his signature black and white paintings.
amazing
i went to shake their hands. raymond was shaking. mike asked me if i could help him out. yes, i said, anything. and i got to hold his case while he put the guitar away. he thanked me profusely, and did i feel good.

all in all, the event was magical. ghosts were there, which was expected. my party felt wholly inspired, and left on a high note. we went back in to get miki's 'double nickels on the dime' cassette signed, but mike was nowhere in site. we drove around back, to see if he was in the parking lot. there he was, in his white econoline van, talking to a pretty lady. next time, we decided. right now, better leave him alone.

we jam.

2008-01-19T17:33:00.000-08:00

last night, miki, margo and i made the epic trek out to riverside, california. that's 60 miles east of our home in los angeles. while this might not seem far to the average traveler, anyone who has braved l.a. traffic knows it's far as shit.
m & m picked me up from work, stuffing their faces full of tofu and beer, and there began our journey. filling up on scoops ice cream, we gossiped all the way to the 10. that's four miles. in thirty minutes. the pace was set. 100 minutes later, i had to pee. thank god for wal-mart.
(note: i will never utter those words again as long as i live.)

back on the e-way, we cleared the last 30 miles in as many minutes, and reached our destination. the riverside art museum. RAM.

why? five words: mike watt and raymond pettibon.

pettibon painted while watt played the thud stuff. amazing. it was so personal, watching this amazing fucking man painting his brain out in front of us. on a rooftop. in front of mike watt, who is playing bass. i really don't think i have woken up from this dream yet.

i'm writing more about this later.

furtographs.

2008-01-15T22:45:00.000-08:00

last night, two of my roommates and i held an opening of andy's art at my restaurant. as i learned from nick (thealicevariations.blogspot.com), i will not mention the name of my place of work here.
andy takes pictures of animals. he shoots pet portraits. for a living. (furtographs.com) it's amazing. miki is his right-hand perfection, and me, well...i'm good at talking. so, for a month or more, furtographs will be displayed on the walls of my vegan pub. and we threw a fete.

the party was perfect, full of love and art and conversations i wish i had more. i saw people i knew on all levels seeing people they knew, meeting people they should meet, and i felt this energy that i'm talking about. this amazing air that is los angeles. i feel so lucky to be here. over my 10oz. glasses of black currant cider, a few french fries, and a whole lot of kindness, i felt again thrilled to have the life i have. to be young, poor, happy, and full. to be able to provide a place where my friends can meet, and have this thing i know they crave too. to have my dear love walk in, embrace me, tell me how much he loves me, and walk out again. to, hours later, have a woman i just met tell me how it took her breath away to see he and i in that embrace.
dear lord, what a beautiful place to be.

california monster.

2008-01-14T11:41:00.000-08:00

the beginning of my blog is here!

i have spent the last few months trying to figure out what the focus of this writing would be. i thought of my life, what about it might be interesting to others, and i realized i lost track of so much of what was important to me. it happened because of transition; new city, new love, new jobs, new friends. it's been a pretty damned full year.
but since this dawn, my ways have changed. the projects are flowing in so comfortably. the friends are becoming better, deeper, stronger. the love is bigger and more complex.
and i realized, being young in los angeles has plenty of stories to offer. you just have to seize them. make them yours. don't let them go unclaimed.
and that's what i'm here to do. please, join me.
it's going to be a wonderful ride.